Finding My Voice

I was terribly shy– but I was not an introvert.

I wanted to be a part of all the fun.

I wanted to go out, hang out and belong to a group.

Because I was so shy, I was terrified to speak up.

I was awkward and unsure of myself.

I truly didn’t have any confidence about who I was.

I didn’t think anyone even cared to know me.

Why would they? They couldn’t see the energetic person I was inside. I just couldn’t find my courage to show up with my real personality.

I felt invisible to everyone.

I knew what I wanted but I didn’t know how to get there.

I was desperate to figure it out.

I was driven by my desire to be active. I didn’t like sitting around at home.

But there I was sitting at home; wandering around my house, trying to occupy myself with endless TV watching, listening to music, just lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling. Let’s just say I had a huge case of FOMO (fear of missing out)-- because I knew I was missing out.

At school, I couldn’t stop watching the groups of students who seemed to belong together. They were laughing and having fun. I studied them. I wanted to learn how to do it. How did they start conversations? How did they decide to go out to do a fun activity? Did they meet in class? Were they already friends from their neighborhood, church group or another group? Did they make plans at school or call each other on the phone (before texting existed)? I knew I had to learn how they did it and somehow do the same– if I was going to ever fit in and start living the life I wanted to live.

This went on through my middle school years and into my 9th and 10th grades.

I sat in my classes, saying nothing. When called on, I felt a flush of embarrassment and my voice cracked with the fewest words I could get out. I would immediately sink into my chair, lower than ever, and fade away until the end of the class.

I felt increasingly more miserable and lost. I was incredibly bored. I began wondering if I was just supposed to accept my shyness and invisibility. Maybe this was the way it was supposed to be. Everyone else would have the fun– not me.

One day, just before my 11th grade year of high school, I shared with my older sister, “I am so bored. I want to do something!”

She replied, “It’s your fault you’re bored. Decide to do something.”

BAM! Was it that simple?

In that moment, I began my personal mission to take charge and to begin a new approach.

I had to start somewhere; and starting to speak up was the obvious first strategy.

In small group discussions in class, or small groups standing around our lockers, I mustered up all of my courage and tried it– I just spoke up. I spoke up with anything that might make a little bit of sense in the conversation. It started to work a little bit. Their heads turned and acknowledged my presence; sometimes they even gave me responses that felt like I was a part of the conversation. This might work!, I said to myself.

I silently cheered myself on. I took deep breaths and kept my mindset in check– I stayed positive and I wouldn’t give up. At times when I spoke up, and nobody heard my quiet voice, (because they weren’t used to ever hearing me speak), I kept trying– again– and again– and again.

It did work! It took time but I kept trying– and I kept speaking up. I slowly started to find friends– friends who liked to hear what I had to say. I finally felt accepted. I was finally having fun. I finally felt I belonged to a group of friends.

Learning to use my voice raised my confidence to show up as the person I wanted to be.

This was my hard thing.

Finding my voice helped me find my strength and start taking charge of the life I desired.

As I grow older in my life, I can easily say this has made all the difference.